


Vanishing act

by aimeewrites



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Love Conquers All
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:15:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29223807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimeewrites/pseuds/aimeewrites
Summary: Voyager is back in the Alpha Quadrant, and Janeway is sinking. She's lost her buoy. She needs to remember who she was before, but with Chakotay missing without explanation, can she really recover?Starfleet has - almost - forgiven her, she hasn't, and Chakotay's absence is only twisting the knife - she needs to know what happened to him
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 9
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

Everyone needs a hero. Especially a world worn out by war. So when my crew and I made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, that is what I became for the Federation. Of course, Starfleet Command had a few things to say to me. Especially about the Temporal Prime Directive – they were not too happy about my - lapses. But they needed a figurehead. So, after days of debriefing, they decided to parade me around. They gave me a secretary and a list of the events they wanted me to attend. And I did it, for several days – I let myself be drained into utter exhaustion. I smiled on command. I exalted the virtues of Starfleet. I told amusing anecdotes about the Delta Quadrant. And I tried to hide that I was falling apart. I had brought my ship home, but at what cost? So many people dead... I vowed that whenever my life was my own again, I would try to visit the families of each crewmember who had died under my command. Of course, the others had all thanked me. And they had left. All of them. Back to their lives, or gone to make new lives for themselves. I had no life to go back to, and no will to make another. Moreover, I hadn’t quite got off scot-free. Starfleet had all but said I wouldn’t get another ship. I would be “more useful at headquarters”. They even wanted me to teach at the academy. The truth was, they didn’t trust me with another ship, and they were probably right, although I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself.

After heated debates, I had won an almost full pardon for the Maquis. Well, I guess it paid to be on a first-name basis with admirals. Many of the people I’d known at Starfleet Command had died, though, and many of my former Academy comrades had too, during the Dominion war.The former Maquis would serve their “sentence” by working with the various Star Trek departments on the data we had collected along the trip. None of them would be sent to prison. I should consider that a great victory, and yet… Nothing could permeate the haze of bleakness I felt..

Seeing Harry Kim reunited with his parents, Tuvok with his wife and his eldest son, and Tom Paris being awkwardly embraced by his father had at first given me great joy. At the ceremony a few hours after Voyager’s arrival on Earth, I had lifted my glass to family, smiled, submitted to hugs and said all the right things. For a few hours, I had let myself forget I was alone. Even Seven’s Aunt Irene had made the trip to San Francisco. I was the only one without any family member to greet me. I had already had to deal with the terrible news that my mother had died from a stroke only weeks before our return. Well… I hadn’t dealt with it, actually – I had had no time for grieving. Learning of my mother’s death in the astrometrics lab with Seven standing behind me hadn’t exactly helped matters. Admiral Paris had told me himself, thinking it would be better than a written message, but… I just remembered Seven asking me if I was alright. I’d nodded, thanked her and gone back to my ready room. I hadn’t even thought of going back to my quarters and breaking down. There had been no time for that. I still hadn’t grieved for her properly. As for Phoebe… She hadn’t even contacted me after those news, and I didn’t know why. I had tried, but to no avail. So of course, I hadn’t exactly expected her to be at the ceremony, but I couldn’t help feeling let down. And now, a month later, I hadn’t managed to get in touch with her. She was avoiding me. And she wasn’t the only one.

I didn’t begrudge my crew their happiness, of course, but I desperately missed one person. During the last seven years, Chakotay had said several times he would always be there to support me. It may have been easy for him to say when he knew I would not start anything between us. Even when we had thought we were condemned to live and die alone on a forsaken Delta Quadrant planet, I hadn’t been able to offer him what he wanted. A captain’s burden to bear. Now, he wasn’t my first officer anymore, and he had disappeared. I knew why, of course – or at least I thought I did. What I knew was that our relationship had been strained since he had rescued me from the Power Distribution Plant. More than strained, even – icy would be a better word. He went through the motions as usual, but his heart wasn’t in it anymore. I had changed, too – Jaffen had left a hole in my heart and during those last weeks on Voyager, I had thought of him often. It had been real for me. But it had hurt Chakotay, though, even though he had known I had had no memory of Voyager at that time. He had bristled after our encounter with the Devore, too, but this felt different. However, when he hadn’t appeared at Voyager’s official welcome celebration – when he had emptied his quarters and vanished without saying a word to me, I hadn’t believed it. But now, after three weeks without news, I had to accept the reality of the situation.

I didn’t want to bother Tuvok, who was still with his family. I didn’t want to ask at Starfleet Command – there had been a few questions at the debriefing about whether Chakotay and I had crossed the line, and I’d been proud to say we had not. Even then, it wasn’t like I could go and say I’d mislaid my former first officer and I wanted him back… He wasn’t a hankie or a handbag. Of course, I’d used every discreet research possibility at my disposal, but to no avail. I just couldn’t find him. And now – well, now, I was falling apart, exhausted by the round of media occasions and confused. I’d tried to remember what he had last said to me. Probably something very banal – something like “nothing to report, Captain”. What he had said when I’d tried to talk about Jaffen, I did remember. He had said, “your personal life is your business, Captain – nothing to do with me.” Not Kathryn. Captain. Now I tried to tell myself I’d lived perfectly well without him for more than thirty years, and I would manage to live thirty more perfectly well too. I was obviously not convincing enough, for I felt myself sinking into a deep, dark place. I remembered that place well – I’d been there before, after my father’s and Justin’s death. There was some comfort in being there, too – because when you’ve hit rock bottom, you can’t go further down, can you? And yet…


	2. Chapter 2

They wouldn’t leave me to wallow, though. And by “they”, I mean Starfleet. Suddenly, they decided they wanted to make me an admiral. I considered refusing. Really. After all, I was also considering leaving Starfleet altogether. After the media round, they had finally given me a few days’ leave, and I had gone back to Bloomington. Discreetly. Incognito. Or I’d tried, anyway. I hadn’t been in the house more than a day before it was besieged by journalists. So I went back to my quarters on the Starfleet ground in San Francisco. I don’t think I’d have stayed longer in my hometown anyway. Although I craved solitude, the loneliness I’d felt when I’d stepped foot in a house I hadn’t seen for seven years had been unbearable. All my mother’s things were still there, and I didn’t want to dispose of them. Nor did I want to keep them. Still no news of Phoebe. My mother gone. Nothing for me there anymore. So I came back, and thought of leaving. If they didn’t want to give me another command, maybe I could just leave Earth altogether – settle somewhere in the Alpha Quadrant. Or maybe just leave America. Italy would be nice. Or France. A house in a vineyard – like Jean-Luc. Or Ireland. That would probably mean resigning my commission. But in a corner of my mind, there was always the thought that I’d disappoint my father if I did. So I didn’t – I accepted the promotion, asked for a quiet ceremony or no ceremony at all, and agreed to Starfleet’s demands. I would teach “Ethics of Command” at the Academy.

The first classes were gruelling – all the more so since I still wasn’t sleeping and my mind kept going back to Chakotay. I’d never considered being on the other side of the fence when I was at the academy – I’d been quite happy to launch missile questions at the lecturers. When those were aimed at you, it was a different kettle of fish. Starfleet had tried to hide how we’d finally come back, but somehow the foolhardy antics of the other Admiral Janeway had leaked out, and the academy cadets had plenty of questions about that…Especially about that and the Prime directive. And those questions, of course, would lead to other uncomfortable questions – and other sleepless nights, thinking about of the decisions I’d taken in the Delta Quadrant. What I’d been right to do, and what I’d done wrong. And every time, my thoughts went back to how Chakotay had questioned my most controversial decisions.

Most captains are aware that they are leading people first and Starfleet personnel second. Everyone had entered Starfleet with unique personalities and sets of values and interest. We all shared basic needs, like survival, belonging, recognition and self-realization. Most of us had families in the Alpha Quadrant. I, more than other captains, had had to remember that. I could remain aloof, in my captain’s bubble. I had to remember that they were people. People I could send to their death when I sent them on a mission – it was easier to depersonalize them then. And yet, rarely possible. I’d never hesitate to sacrifice myself, but always had difficulties asking that of others. Those eager cadets reminded me that in the end, I’d been the one with the choices and the one with the final decisions.

The discussions we had in class and the continued absence of Chakotay, along with my solitude, ate at me so much that I came home to my bleak quarters every night and couldn’t find the energy to have food. I’d replicate myself coffee, I’d open a bottle of wine – I’d received a few gifts – and I’d forgo nourishment. Probably why one day, I felt myself sway as I stood up to leave the amphitheatre and woke up at Starfleet medical, a blurry woman’s face bent over me.

“What happened?”, I asked, trying to get up.

“You fainted,” she answered dryly, and I recognised her – Beverley Crusher. I’d met her years ago.

“I don’t faint.”, I replied, matching her tone.

“Well, you did. When did you last eat, Admiral?”

I realised I couldn’t remember when I’d had a proper meal. I hadn’t really noticed I was losing weight, as the new uniforms were a little bulky, but now she mentioned it…

“It says on your medical file that you have a tendency to neglect your health, Admiral. Seems your EMH was right. I’m running a full check-up right now.”

“Don’t bother – I’m fine. I just need to go home and…”

“You’re not going anywhere.” 

Blue eyes met blue eyes. It was an unfair match, as I was still feeling groggy and a little nauseous. I laid back down.

“I’ll be back with your results shortly.”, she said, a little more gently. “Meanwhile, your Doctor is here today – would you like to see him?”

I considered her proposal and nodded – I knew he would scold me for not taking care of myself, but he might have news of the others – and of Chakotay.

***

“Can’t let you out of my sight, can I, Admiral?”

The familiar voice made my eyes spring open – Beverley Crusher must have given me a sedative, because I’d fallen asleep.

“Doctor. I’m fine. A small mishap.”

“Hmmph.”

I decided to hurry before Dr Crusher came back: “Did you see any of the others? Seven? Miral? B’elanna?... Chakotay?”

“Seven is fine – she is working with the astrometrics team at headquarters. Little Miral –“ he smiled, “is flourishing, and so is her mother. “I -,” he paused, and I saw something pass in his eyes. “I have no news of Mr Chakotay.”

And even in my semi-conscious state, I knew he was lying. I briefly thought of ordering him to tell me what he knew, but he would only remind me he wasn’t under my command. So I resorted to pleading – it had worked before.

“Doctor – please – I’m – I’m worried about him. Have you seen him? Is he all right?”

He frowned and seemed about to say something when Dr Crusher came back in the room.

“Will you excuse us, Doctor, please? I’d like to discuss her results with the admiral.”

I swore under my breath – he was going to crack, I was sure. “That’s all right – he can stay.”

“Very well. Admiral, you’re severely malnourished and dehydrated, and there’s some damage to your kidneys which I’ll repair in a moment. You’re also anaemic and…” Her voice softened again: “You’ve entered the menopause.”

Since I didn’t want to hear the end of her speech, I concentrated on another part. “Dehydrated? I drink gallons of coffee!”

“Caffeine is actually a diuretic, Admiral – so the more coffee you drink…the more dehydrated you get. Surely you know that!”

I nodded meekly – I did know, and I wasn’t feeling strong enough for a scolding. Beverley Crusher and the Doctor seemed to be looking at me expectantly. They wanted me to react to her pronouncement. Not only was I in bad shape, but I would never have children. Actually, I didn’t care – not anymore. Who would I have children with? I wanted to go back to interrogating the Doctor, but his human colleague had other ideas.

“You need rest, Admiral. And I need to repair your kidneys.” She pressed a hypospray to my neck, and a few seconds later I knew no more. 


	3. Chapter 3

When I got released from Starfleet medical the next day, the Doctor was nowhere to be found. I’d been sermonized and scolded so much by Beverley that we were now on first name basis, and she had pumped me full of various vitamins and immunity boosters. I went back to my quarters to replicate a fresh uniform before going back to my office at headquarters. I decided I needed to track down either the Doctor or Seven.

I hadn’t spoken much to her either since our return. When I’d learnt that she had been dating Chakotay – and when my future self had told me they had eventually got married, it had come as a shock. Since I had had many other causes for concern at the time, I had decided to put their relationship out of my mind. Easier than to contemplate the fact that a woman I had come to consider almost as a daughter was planning on a life with the man I – I what? I – cared for Chakotay. I – liked him. I might even… I’d never been very good with the four -letter word. Even with Justin. Even with Marc. I did say it, in a casual way – the “see you this evening, love you” way. I said it to Molly, too, when I stroked her long ears and buried my face in her face. But a real declaration? No. However, if I was honest with myself, I had to admit that what I felt for Chakotay was more than caring or liking. And so when Seven had come to see me only the day before we had landed and told me, in her precise manner, that “she wanted me to know there would be no more intimate moments between Chakotay and herself, because they had mutually agreed they fared better as friends”, I had rather brusquely told her it was between them, but I had felt a deep weight lifting off my chest.

For all her being an individual, Seven was still almost incapable of lying, however, and if I could only talk to her and she knew where Chakotay was, I would know. I ascertained her whereabouts and waylaid her in Starfleet astrometrics lab.

“Admiral. How may I be of assistance? You do not look well.”

“Thank you, Seven – always good to hear.”

She cocked her head and I knew she hadn’t fully understood the sarcasm – I was too tired and anxious to care. I hesitated, took a deep breath and, looking at her straight in the eyes, asked: “Have you heard anything from Chakotay lately, Seven? I – I have not been able to contact him.”

She squirmed – very, very slightly – and her left eyebrow twitched. That meant, in Seven’s language, that she was uncomfortable.

“I have not seen Chakotay lately, Admiral.”

That was probably true. That wasn’t what I wanted to know, however.

“That’s not what I asked,” I pointed out.

She turned her back to me and stared at her screen. Damn! I grabbed her arm a little more forcefully than I should have and she shook it just as roughly away for my grasp, but she turned back towards me.

“I’m sorry, Seven. I’ve been under stress lately. I – I think he confided in you. Did he? Please.” I felt my eyes well up and could see my tears only increased Seven’s discomfort. I turned and took a few steps away from her, not wanting to make a spectacle of myself – I’d never broken down in seven years, not in public anyway.

Seven left me a few minutes to compose myself, but just when I was going to walk away, she surprised me by coming to me and putting her hand on my arm. Immediately, my tears started to flow again as I remembered the Borg I’d rescued from the collective, who’d shied away from human contact and hated being touched. And now she was initiating the comforting gesture.

“I do not know where he is, Admiral, but – he did say something to me before he left. He – he said he did not want to hurt you, but he eventually would, because he was powerless to do otherwise.”

I stared at her like a starving man at a banquet. But what did that mean??

She went on. “You should talk to the Doctor, Admiral. Chakotay talked to him too.”

I hugged her then, and in mere seconds she hugged me back, a stiff hug, but a hug nonetheless. I had to find the Doctor. He would tell me what he knew, even if I had to reprogram him myself!

Meanwhile, I had a class to teach. I went reluctantly – all I wanted was to go back to my quarters and hide. Instead, I replicated a thermos of coffee and went.

I shouldn’t have – I had to face a particular arrogant lot of cadets who tried to play the wise guys, something I’d never tolerated very well. Because they had lived through the Dominion war and I hadn’t, they thought they knew everything. They had confronted the wrong woman – first because I was in no mood to take that from wet-behind-the-ears youngsters, and secondly because I was already eaten by guilt enough over several decisions I’d made over the years. That guilt would never leave me, and would eat at me until my death – I knew, because more than twenty years later, I still felt guilty for not having saved my father and Justin. I had regrets. I felt remorse, and I didn’t need anyone to tell me I had made errors. I finally snapped, assigned them an essay of the meaning of integrity, responsibility and courage and stalked out of the room.

I forced myself to eat – vegetable bouillon with non-replicated bread and butter, and coffee mousse, which never tasted like the one my mother used to make. I tried to sleep after that, but sleep continued to elude me and my mind churned over what Seven had said. How could Chakotay hurt me more by staying than by leaving without a word? What did he mean by “powerless”? And why had he told Seven and not me? That last question, of course, was the one that left a bitter taste in my mouth. Around 0200, I reached for the sedative Beverley had given me, hoping to stop this unrelenting torture and fall into oblivion for a few hours. It took me only a few seconds to start yawning.


	4. Chapter 4

I’m ashamed to admit that I used my influence as an admiral to make the Doctor come to me instead of going to him. And he did – maybe he didn’t want to disobey his former captain, or maybe he liked me. We sat in my office at headquarters – about a quarter of the size of my ready room aboard Voyager – and I drank coffee. Several cups. I’m also ashamed to say that he might have thought I’d summoned him for a health concern. I told him I was fine and he was miffed. Especially since we both knew it wasn’t true. And then I stared at him with steely eyes, and asked him about Chakotay. He stared back, but he was no match for my captain glare.

“You’re asking me to break patient-doctor confidentiality, Admiral. I can’t do that.”

“You can, and you will.”

I deployed my best Vulcan logic. “Doctor – you’ve often told me that as a physician, your motto was “first do no harm”. I can assure you that not knowing where Chakotay is is harming me. In fact, you’ve seen the consequences for yourself two days ago.”

He looked worried. I went on glaring. And he caved.

“I shouldn’t be telling you that, Admiral. Especially since Mr. Chakotay expressly asked me not to say anything to you. Do you remember when we encountered chaotic space aboard Voyager?”

I nodded tersely. Of course I did. I’d been so worried about Chakotay then – so worried we wouldn’t get him back. Now I feared the worst.

He went on. “It seems that Chakotay’s sensory tremens was actually the beginning of irumodic syndrome. Before we came back to the Alpha Quadrant, he had several other episodes of delirium, which – with my help- he was able to suppress. However, it seems the disease is progressing rapidly, and I have not been able to find a cure. I haven’t given hope, but Mr Chakotay has.”

I gnawed on my lips and bit the inside of my mouth to keep myself from crying.

“He didn’t want to hurt you”, the Doctor went on gently. “He didn’t want you to see him degenerate. He said you’d already been through enough – that he had seen how devastated you had been each time a member of the crew died. He saw how you still hadn’t fully grieved for your father. Or for your mother, for that matter. He wanted to spare you and he thought disappearing was the best way.”

“For fuck’s sake!! Stupid – idiot…”

Seeing the Doctor starting to look offended, I added, “Not you – him. Now, tell me where he is.”

The Doctor sighed. “He went home to Dorvan V.”

I took a deep breath. It would take me at least two days to get there. I stared straight into the Doctor’s eyes: “I NEED you to find a cure, Doctor. He can’t die.”

“Yes, Admiral- I know. I’m doing the best I –“

“Do better”, I said ferociously, pressing his shoulder and leaving him standing in my office while I went to finish crying my eyes out in the privacy of the loo. I allowed myself five minutes, after which I repaired my hair and make-up, straightened my shoulders, and went to ask for a few favours.

I had to champ at the bit, but a week later, I was on board the USS Linneus, a science vessel which would drop me on Dorvan V. Although I was welcomed with all the honours due to a newly-minted admiral and hero of the times by its captain, I spent most of the two days’ trip in my quarters, going over and over again in my mind what I would say to Chakotay. If he allowed me to stay with him – and I would fight him to the death if he refused – I would jettison everything – Starfleet, the admiralcy, Earth… Nothing mattered more than him. Of course, I would try to convince him to come back with me. Not because of my career, but because I was sure he could be cured. And I would harass the Doctor until he found that cure. Hell! I would begin researching a cure myself.

The captain of the Linneus was reluctant to let me pilot the shuttle myself, but I didn’t give him a choice, and I landed near the main Indian settlement. Obviously, I wasn’t expected. They were helpful, though, and although they didn’t know where Chakotay was, they pointed me towards a sanctuary – a holy place, where people who wanted to meditate went. I left immediately – on foot, with barely enough food for a meal, with a rudimentary med kit, not prepared, not caring I was not prepared. I was driven. I had to find him.

And when I did, I was almost surprised. Not only was he in the sanctuary, but he was the same. I’d imagined him changed – absence does strange things to one’s mind eye. He was the same, and when he turned towards me, I suddenly couldn’t move. At first, neither could he. We stood there, gawking at each other, unmoving, unspeaking. I don’t remember who took the first step, but then we were in each other’s arms, closer than we had ever been before. My lips found his and explored, my hands caressed his face. The kiss I’d been waiting for all those years. He held me for a long time, and we talked. I scolded, and he apologised. I begged, and he yielded. I left, and he came with me.

The Doctor obeyed me – he found a cure. Chakotay’s condition will have to be monitored, but he should live a long life. We shall be happy together – that’s an order, and no one dares to disobey an admiral’s direct order… 


End file.
